After reading other survivors stories in various books I've come to realise it is only natural for us to end up in abusive relationships sometimes, but not leave them for fear of not having a relationship again or fear of being rejected, or sometimes for fear of the partner themselves.
My first few relationships were disasters of varying degrees. I'll talk you through them over the duration of this post, from the turbulent and damaging relationships of my earlier love life up to the present day. Looking back now, the main reason I got into the earlier relationships in the first place was because these were the first people to show an interest in me. I was intensely unpopular throughout school, so it was only when I reached 16 and went towards 6th Form that anyone paid any attention to me in that sense.
~1~
The first boyfriend I had was long distance. We'd been speaking a while, met a couple of times, and ended up dating. It lasted only a few weeks, because while seeing me, it turned out he was also seeing an ex girlfriend as well as another girl. I only found out because I was friends with his ex and she decided to come clean. Thankfully, that guy I didn't sleep with, but I still feel regret at being so cheaply used even so.
~2~
My second relationship lasted longer, about 9 months. A friend of a friend, we met up one night with a group and kept good contact, meeting up again alone afterwards and quickly getting together as a couple. I have no resentment or hatred towards him, we were both young and he never had bad intentions. It was just, at that time, while he was a great person, he wasn't really good in a relationship. Or at least, not for me. We're still friends to this day, and I hold nothing against him, but the relationship from my perspective was neglectful. I needed support, and he couldn't give it to me. For Valentine's, I arranged a day out to a beautiful lake, with a meal in a restaurant. That night, he took me to the house of a friend of his, with a group of others I hadn't met before, and got drunk with them while I sat there feeling awful. He also ditched me, a few months later, on my birthday - despite plans to go to a show I had made for us, on the day he made some excuse about his mum calling and left. Later that night I get a drunken text from him, saying how he's in a rock club in another city with his friend and that I'd love it there. It ended pretty much a few days later, I needed support, because I was starting therapy for the first time, but I got nothing. Though not abusive, the relationship was neglectful and hurt me, but I put up with it and denied anything was wrong for most of that time because I wanted it to work. I didn't want it to be wrong. This was my first real relationship, and while I was hurting I felt I didn't really deserve any better and was lucky to have anyone at all.
~3~
The third was another long distance. A couple of hours travel from where I lived, a friend of a friend once again. Most of our time together was over the Summer, while there was no 6th form for me to worry about. It all ended in chaos. The final night, I was feeling horribly ill. He had just dumped me on the way home from the pub (he was drunk, I was sober and at the time teetotal) but I was in a tow far from home supposed to be catching the train home in the morning. After he ended our relationship on the grounds of my psychological problems at the time, even knowing my past which I had foolishly entrusted him with, he asked me if we could have sex "one last time" before I went. I remember clear as day wanting so much to please him even though we'd just split up, feeling so ill I could barely walk into his room, but submitting to his request for sex. I cried through the whole thing, though he kept asking if I was ok I just said yes, wanting him to finish as quickly as possible so I could cry myself to sleep with the illness, the heartbreak and the shame. The next morning on the train home, I was in and out of consciousness for the entire journey and had to be woken by a kind guard at my stop. The next few days I spent in bed barely able to move with the worst flu I have ever had, feeling the anger at myself for not saying no, and the shame and disgust of knowing what I had done.
~5~
The fourth relationship was the most serious, in more ways than one. For me, it all started fine. We had a few arguments, and at the beginning I was still going through my turbulent mood swings and in therapy. He was unsympathetic at times, and didn't like me trying anti depressants. After I was off them he would berate me for considering going back on them, saying that I wouldn't be me if I was taking pills to control my mind. This put me off seeking help again while I was with him, and it gave him an element of control over me because I cared too much what he thought of me.
Later in our relationship he became possessive, and emotionally abusive. I went for over a year not going out other than to work or to the shop. I didn't see any friends or family in all that time, because he was agoraphobic, couldn't stand being left on his own and was paranoid that any time I was away from him I'd leave him or do something with another man. He even began to restrict who I contacted, always wanting to know who I was talking to, what about and why. As time went by he became even more controlling, and would not accept me wanting to do my own thing to the point of looking over my shoulder all the time or even getting violent over disagreements.
He was never as outwardly physically violent as the most common abusive partners, but he was restraining. He would pin my to the floor by my neck or drag me across the floor out of the room and leave me crying on the landing. He sometimes pushed me across the room or down onto furniture, and all of this played on my hatred of weakness. He was stronger than me and made sure I knew it.
Eventually, when his depression turned him towards alcohol I found the struggle even more difficult, I would often come home to him laying on the bed clutching a half empty whiskey bottle knowing it was most likely full just a few hours previous. He would be barely conscious but have enough energy in him to fight me if I tried to take the bottle from him to protect him from his own self destructive habit. He was threatening, to his own safety and to mine.
It didn't take long with him drinking and my own problems still unresolved for me to turn to alcohol too. I was drinking dark rum, mixed with energy drink, so I'd be up all night with no sleep, blind drunk just to cope with him being drunk, and isolating myself by spending all my time online. I tried to start going to another room overnight, taking my pc with me just for some peace, but he wouldn't leave me alone because he was dependant on my presence. My work suffered, and I nearly lost my job. I'm amazed I didn't crash some days, driving after several days without a wink of sleep and doped up on as much caffeine as I could get. Days went by me completely without my noticing.
When that relationship came to an end I was a wreck. It ended one night with us both drunk, in seperate rooms. I was at the end of what I could take so told him it was over, at which point we went through various stages of arguing, violence, struggle and times when I was utterly terrified for my own life and for his. He tried to shut himself in the kitchen and turn on the gas to kill himself that way, thankfully I was able to push in, open the windows and turn it off before he killed us all in an explosion.
Later he had the air rifle we'd bought years previous for fun and was threatening to shoot himself or me if I didn't do what he asked. I called the police while barricading myself in a bathroom and though he got me to put the phone down insantly they rang back, and I had to talk to them. I lied and said I'd had a panic attack, hoping they would accept that and he would be pacified enough to leave me alone. They sent a car and a couple of officers anyway to get a report, I hid the gun and he tried to hide himself in a cupboard. They came and found him, while he made a half arsed excuse about being in the cupboard to get paint for decorating. We gave them the story seperately and they left, he had to agree to leave me alone or I'd call them back.
He went quite for an hour or so, and I got worried why I could hear nothing from him so I went upstairs. I found him paraletically drunk having kept on drinking over a litre of whiskey on an empty stomach, and terrified I called paramedics. They came out and tried to help him, getting him to sit up and letting him vomit whiskey back up into a bucket (I can't even stand the smell of it now after that night) but he was swearing at them, being verbally abusive and asking to see me. I had been taken downstairs, and was sobbing over a cup of tea waiting to see what happened.
The ambulance crew were afraid to go near him, so they called the police. 2 or 3 cars turned up, including the officers who'd been there earlier. They advised me to pack up my essential belongings and move out in the morning. A short while later I was moved to another room out of the way so they could get him out of the house and into the ambulance. I was so relieved he was out I practically collapsed on the bed. I must've fallen asleep after a while because at 3am I was woken by the hospital calling ot say he was ok and could someone pick him up. Well, I didn't have a car so I couldn't do it. I gave them his father's number to call instead and sent a text message to my boss. I didn't know what else to do but I knew I wouldn't be able to work the next day. Unfortunately they didn't listen to me or try to understand I'd been through the worst night of my life and had to move out, and they called me in the morning to berate me for letting them know in such a manner.
By 7 or 8am I was woken by his father bringing him in, both of them were angry and his father refused to listen to me trying to tell him how much misery his son had put me through and instead kept trying to reconcile us. I believe he just wanted to avoid the burden of his suicidally depressed offspring and would rather I was the sole live in carer putting up with his crap for a few more years. Well, I agreed only to stay in the house that day because I had to pack a few things and contact my mother to see if I could go and stay there. She picked me up in the evening after work, and after what had probably been the longest day of my life babysitting the man I'd just dumped for trying to hurt himself and me. I spent hours cleaning up the broken glass coffee table, light fittings, and other things that had been broken in the various struggles overnight. I guess after that I learned my lesson about how violent men could be once again even if they seemed trustworthy at first. Or at least, I should have.
That relationship lasted 5 years, and for 4 of those we were engaged. It is a huge regret for me because those should have been the years I enjoyed the most. I put him ahead of my plans for University, and perhaps because of that missed my chance. I put him first in everything. He was more important than anything I felt or wanted, and for a long time I actually believed that my purpose in life was to follow his wishes, take care of him, and put up with my suffering for his needs. It sounds so unreal to me now, but I remember truly believing my reason for being was to be with him, and care for him, no matter what. If I could go back in time now, I would take myself aside and tell my younger self that we were both making each other miserable, and that we would both be happier apart. I wonder if I would have listened, or held true to that belief that I was nothing but his carer.
~6~
The 6th... I'd call it the rebound that was but wasn't. A man who I thought was a good friend, who had talked to me and given me advice and consoled me when I was distraught at the end of the last relationship, well he gave me the impression that I had a chance with him. So I decided to persue that. He led me on a merry little dance, perhaps just enjoying the affection and attention I gave him. After a month or so of allowing me to get closer and imagine we had a chance, and a weekend spent together camping alone for my birthday, he cut all contact. He just stopped talking to me, like turning off a light. He ignored me completely for 3 weeks when all I wanted to know was if he wanted to be with me or not. I didn't really care if the answer was yes or no, but the complete and utter blank and not knowing for me was horrific. This was the first time I'd really gone after someone, and when I was eventually shot down after 3 weeks of silence, it was equally devastating and a relief. Once again, it seemed, I had been drawn towards something that was bad for me and made me hurt.
Breaking the Trend
~7~
After the line of failures and mistreatment, my next decision to enter a relationship was at least a little less unhealthy. A friend who I'd known for a while but not closely, began to spend more time with me. When Summer rolled in, we were spending every weekend with a couple of other guys (as a group of 4) having fun together and getting to know each other. We had similar interests, enjoyed each other's company and the friendship naturally moved to the next stage of becoming a relationship. Sadly within a year, cracks formed and it became clear to both of us that we were not suited for each other. The relationship broke up with an agreement between us that we were good as friends, but not as a couple. It wasn't one sided, we both intended to end it on the same day, and we did so face to face. Though through the duration, I was never once mistreated by him. Unfortunately we had other issues which I will discuss in a later post, but never was he intentionally hurtful towards me, and not once did I feel like he was treating me as the others had.
~8~
This is my most recent relationship. I'm happy to tell you, dear reader, that he has never and would never cause me harm or make me upset. The only way I could be upset by him, is by seeing him upset. We had been friends for many years before we got together, and he was always a close friend and there for me when I needed him. Unknown to me, he was interested in me long before we got together, in fact even before I was with ~7~ he liked me as more than a friend but was too respectful of my other interests to make it clear. Maybe to any other person, it was obvious, but it's not surprising for me to be oblivious to such things when I've had such nonsense experiences and long term low self esteem. It still makes no sense to me now that anyone would want to even be a friend to me. Still, we were close friends, and now we are reaching our second year as a couple.
Sadly, through most of this time we haven't been able to see each other much. I moved home, he was already studying at University in another city, but that's not to say we haven't had a relationship in this time. We've seen each other every few weeks, for periods of a mere day to a week or so spent together, depending on what we can manage between work and study respectively. I know, however, he's always only a text, phone call or email away from me.
To give you some idea about him, he's a very sweet and caring person, who has virtually no enemies and has never really expressed as much as dislike for another human being as long as I have known him. He is pure and innocent. Sometimes it hurts to feel such a contrast to myself, other times it is a comfort to know there is such a person and that he is in my life. Right now though, he has no idea about any of this. He's simply so innocent and loving that I can't bring myself to tell him the truth and cast darkness in front of his eyes. I know he would support me, but I also know he would be hurt to know and worry for me. For all this time, all I've told him is that there is something bad in my past that hurt me a lot, and that some day I will tell him. I have no idea how. Maybe by giving him the link to this blog and letting him read it.
I've been telling myself it's not fair on him though, and swore to myself to at least not mention it while he is still studying in case he worries about me and puts me ahead of his course, which knowing him isn't exactly unlikely. Within the next few weeks though, his course will be over, and I'll be faced with the choice. Do I tell him? Do I keep it from him so he doesn't have to know such evils really exist in the world, and save him the pain of sharing my burden? Do I speak to him with my own voice, or simply give him this link and tell him he may read it but never speak of it to me in person? I'll admit, the last option is the most appealing. I'm sorry, dear reader, if you are he and have to find out this way. Forgive my lack of courage, but if you're reading this you know it's still too painful for me to say aloud. Please, don't tell a soul, and keep your peace even in the anonymous comments here. One day I might be strong enough to talk to you openly, but that day is likely not today.
Well, anyway, reader who is not he, that's the full catalogue of misery I have been through to find happiness. Perhaps someone will learn from my mistakes - if the person you are with makes you unhappy, and doesn't respect you, you don't have to stay with them. You always have the choice to leave. No matter how hard it may seem at the time, there will always be people out there to support you. There are organisations to help victims of abusive relationships - don't let yourself feel trapped by wondering where you will go if you live with them. Just go. Find somewhere, someone you trust, and go there. If you lose money and possessions in the process, that's unavoidable but you have your life and your safety and those are far more important.
Other Abusive Experiences
Before I end this section, I feel I should also tell you, dear reader, of another abusive person I ended up drawn towards. This one was never a relationship as the others, but a friendship which turned sour. This is only recent, and all occurred within the timespan of my current relationship, ending a few months ago. To clarify, I did not, and would never, be unfaithful to my current boyfriend in any way.
Another man, unfortunately, chipping away my trust of the gender entirely. We met at a public gathering, swapped contact details and became friends. We used the internet to talk occasionally for a while, and eventually as we lived only a town apart met up in person a few times. He built up a level of trust with me, he showed me care and affection, comfort and friendship. He convinced me to open up to him about my past, which I did - I'd formed a level of trust for him and while I have felt unable to talk to my boyfriend because of the reasons mentioned above, it seemed like a good idea at the time to start trying to open up to someone new and removed from my main friends and family.
So we were close friends, visited each other occasionally for up to even a week at a time. I trusted him despite another friend warning me casually it may not be the best idea. Unfortunately, my other friend was proven right. When this person split up from his girlfriend, he began to get more and more obsessed with me. He knew I would not be unfaithful to my boyfriend, and would not leave him either, but decided to declare "love" for me. I rejected him. I told him that no, I don't know what the future holds, and much as I may like it to last I can't guarantee my current relationship will be forever as the situation will change when he leaves University this Summer. Sadly, this did not put him off.
I should have seen the warning signs much earlier. He demanded my attention daily, and would be upset if I didn't text him - if he sent me a text first in the day, that meant that I didn't care about him and wasn't going to contact him at all apparently. He would insist that I be online for hours at a time to talk to him, and would become quickly upset if he thought that I was talking to anyone else at the same time. Eventually, he started to threaten to hurt or kill himself if I didn't do what he wanted. That made me feel horribly guilty and terrified as I have lost people to suicide in my life. In the end, it came down to an ultimatum he gave me that if I didn't break up with my boyfriend to be with him by the summer then he would kill himself. I couldn't take this kind of emotional torture any more, so I told him I'd have to stop talking to him. He then said that if I didn't talk to him, he would kill himself, and write a note to say it was my fault, and told me I would have to live with that guilt and the blame from his friends and family. What kind of a person would say such things? To put that on someone, knowing all they've been through, knowing it would hurt them, how could they claim to care for that person at all?
I could talk more of this, but to be honest I am still hurt, upset and angry - mostly with myself for being so stupid in trusting him and not seeking help from my real friends before I did. In the end, I showed a couple of them the messages, texts, emails and so on that he had sent me with these threats to harm himself. Once, he even got drunk and went to a bridge, told me he was off to kill himself but not where he was - I was so upset I called police and ambulances to ask them to find him, but without knowing his exact location they couldn't respond more than to look out for someone on their normal patrols. I had moved house too, so was too far away to get there myself. I called him several times, and text, only to be told he was going to do it. Of course, he didn't go through with it, but the terror, pain and guilt I felt was very real. The extent of his obsession went further, in that one night I told him I was in too much pain to be able to sit up and use my laptop to talk to him online. He then got drunk, threatened to hurt or kill himself, and after my pleas for him to stop but refusal to give in to his demands due to the pain I was in, he went quiet. A few hours later (in the middle of the night) he sent me a text to tell me he was drunk and had cut himself badly. The only reason for that message was to make me hurt. And I was too stupid to see it. I want to kick myself even now for ever trusting him. After all I went through with obsessive possessive relationships, I should have seen it. I should have known better.
Dear reader, I hope you never make the same mistakes I have... Learn from mine so you don't have to make your own.
A Survivor.
