So it's 2012. It's a Saturday night.
Where am I right now? I'm sat on my bed in my room in the dark,
hoping the friends downstairs will not notice or mind my absence from
the small party there. Why am I here? The short answer is that I
thought I was ready to start socialising again, but I'm not. I tried,
I lasted a couple of hours but that's all I can handle right now. The
thought of going back now terrifies me to the point of a panic
attack. It's pathetic, I'm fighting every urge my body has for needs
of food, drink or toilet because I can't face another human being.
The hardest part? It's seeing them all happy and having fun. It's not
jealousy, I assure you, rather seeing such a contrast to how I feel
amplifies it. The brighter the light, the deeper the shadow cast. I
don't want to cast that shadow over them, I can't keep pretending I'm
shining as strongly as they and I can no longer bear the feeling of
being the weight pulling them down.
A lot of time has passed since the last
time I posted, and a lot of things have changed. Sadly, not enough
time has gone by to heal me. So, while I sit here in the dark, my
laptop balanced on my knee, I will try to catch you up on the news.
Thank you, dear reader, in this darkness my mind wanders to wherever
you are. I hope that someday I will be able to add words to tell you
how this pain has gone, and how I managed to overcome this current
torment. Alas, not today, but fair reader right now you're my
company. I picture you, a silhouette, perhaps sat opposite me on the
chair, listening to me, not judging me the way I judge myself,
allowing me to tell you all that's in my heart so the blade in the
bedside drawer looks less tempting. Blood is easier spilled than
words, true, and I'm sorry to say there have been recent relapses
into old coping methods, but right now I really want to try. My
apologies, silent companion, but allow me to rely on you for this
short time.
For now, I'll end this particular post
and aim to add a few posts in different headings to catalogue the
changes from my last writings in this blog. The world around me has
evolved, but the pain within me has remained, stagnant and
unchanging, poisoning everything until even the sweetest treats taste
of ashes.
Thank you once again, for being the silent companion in the shadows as once again I try to face the pain.
A Survivor
