28 April 2012

2012. Still Just “Surviving”.


So it's 2012. It's a Saturday night. Where am I right now? I'm sat on my bed in my room in the dark, hoping the friends downstairs will not notice or mind my absence from the small party there. Why am I here? The short answer is that I thought I was ready to start socialising again, but I'm not. I tried, I lasted a couple of hours but that's all I can handle right now. The thought of going back now terrifies me to the point of a panic attack. It's pathetic, I'm fighting every urge my body has for needs of food, drink or toilet because I can't face another human being. The hardest part? It's seeing them all happy and having fun. It's not jealousy, I assure you, rather seeing such a contrast to how I feel amplifies it. The brighter the light, the deeper the shadow cast. I don't want to cast that shadow over them, I can't keep pretending I'm shining as strongly as they and I can no longer bear the feeling of being the weight pulling them down.

A lot of time has passed since the last time I posted, and a lot of things have changed. Sadly, not enough time has gone by to heal me. So, while I sit here in the dark, my laptop balanced on my knee, I will try to catch you up on the news. Thank you, dear reader, in this darkness my mind wanders to wherever you are. I hope that someday I will be able to add words to tell you how this pain has gone, and how I managed to overcome this current torment. Alas, not today, but fair reader right now you're my company. I picture you, a silhouette, perhaps sat opposite me on the chair, listening to me, not judging me the way I judge myself, allowing me to tell you all that's in my heart so the blade in the bedside drawer looks less tempting. Blood is easier spilled than words, true, and I'm sorry to say there have been recent relapses into old coping methods, but right now I really want to try. My apologies, silent companion, but allow me to rely on you for this short time.

For now, I'll end this particular post and aim to add a few posts in different headings to catalogue the changes from my last writings in this blog. The world around me has evolved, but the pain within me has remained, stagnant and unchanging, poisoning everything until even the sweetest treats taste of ashes.  

Thank you once again, for being the silent companion in the shadows as once again I try to face the pain.

A Survivor

17 comments:

  1. I live in united state, Two years ago i married a lady called saline, we had two children together, we were very happy to be husband and wife, so when i travel on business trip to Brazil, i spent 1 years in Brazil due to my kind of business, i and my wife talked on phone all the time, we chat on the Internet, i never knew that my wife had started cheating on me by going out with her old school friend called mark, i never knew something was going wrong till i came back from my trip, then i and My wife started having problems, she goes out and come back late at night, she changed in a strange way that i could not endure, i tried to do everything to please her but it got worst, so one day she left the house and never came back, i tried reaching her but no way i could reach her, i never knew she traveled with her new lover which was mark, i wanted her so much because of the children she left for me and because i loved her so much too, because of the heart break she put me into, i went into search of a real magic spell caster I was scammed twice by a spell caster, but I never relented in my search because I want a happy life with my wife, so one morning i saw testimony about a spell caster prophet harry, so i contacted him and to my greatest surprise this prophetharry@ymail.com made life manful for me again, my wife came back to me, i took her back and I am now settled with my wife by the magic power of prophet harry spell .
    James moon'

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  2. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SCAMMED BY AN INTERNATIONAL LENDER ? HERE IS MY STORY

    My name is Doreen a citizen of USA. i have been scammed by 22 different Internet international lender, they all promise to give me a loan after making me pay several fees which yield nothing and amounted to no positive result. i lost my hard earn money and it was a total of 18930USD. One today as i was browsing through the internet with tears on my eye i came across a testimony of man who was also scammed and eventually got linked to a legit loan company called Competent Loan Company where he finally got his loan, so i decided to contact the same loan company and then told them my story on how i have been scammed by 22 different lenders who did nothing but to course me more pain. I explain to the company by mail and all they told me was to cry no more because i will get my loan in their company and also i have made the right choice of contacting them. i filled the loan application form and proceeded with all what was requested of me and here i am today happy because COMPETENT LOAN COMPANY HAS GIVEN ME A LOAN so i made a vow to my self that i will keep testifying on the internet on how i got my loan. Do you need a loan urgently kindly and quickly contact Competent loan company now for your loan via email: competentloancompany@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. STORY ON HOW I GOT A LOAN

    i have been scammed several times in the act of trying to get a loan from abroad lenders via internet. i contacted different lending company on the internet but they all ran away with hard earn money, i was stock and felt my life has come to an end and i saw every thing around me as been unfair, i almost committed suicide hoping and feeling that will be the best way to end it all when i came across a testimony of a woman on Google on how she got a loan so i decided to contact the company by mail and followed the procedure of the company and here i am today very happy and will keep testifying on the internet on how i got my loan till Christ comes because i have realize that in the midst of scam there is a genuine company. Do you need a loan to pay your bills, buy a car, rent an apartment, build a house or build a company then worry no more because competent loan company will put a smile on your face just as they have done to mine by offering me a loan: contact them today via email: competentloancompany@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. i just want to use this medium to let those that are willing to listen know that some online lenders can be very heartless. i have been scammed by so many online lenders in the process of seeking for a loan. Just 3 days ago i saw a testimony of a man on Google who gotten a loan from competent loan company owned by a pastor so i decided to contact the same company and here i am today very happy because they have also given me the loan amount of 120,000.00usd so i made a vow to my self that i will keep testifying on the internet on how i got my loan just to make sure those seeking for loan online get it without been scammed. do you a loan of any amount then contact Pastor Andrew Rio via email: competentloancompany@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. Today is the happiest day of my life because i have just gotten a loan of 80.000.00usd from competent loan company owned by Pastor Andrew Rio. Do you a loan urgently to pay your bills, by a car, rent an apartment, build a factory or company then contact Pastor Andrew Rio now via email: competentloancompany@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. this is my promise to dr odudu that when my lover is back am going to tell the whole world about the help he did to my life am happy today is the help of dr odudu that bring back my lover back to me,my lover left because his mum said he should not marry me because she has some one in her mind to to marry her son and i really lover my man so much there is nothing i could do i cry all days and all night for my lover to come back to me but he never come back, when i was browsing on net i saw many people talking about dr odudu how he help and restore their partner back i decided to put in try and all thing went for good immediately i contacted dr odudu on oduduspell@gmail.com the way he speak to me i was feeling good and better when the spell was cast my lover call me the day dr odudu tell his going to come and he really come back will are totally married now.what ever your problem is contact dr odudu is the answer of all via oduduspell@gmail.com or call +2348051913076
    perry from germany

    ReplyDelete
  7. HELLO
    people on this site what is your problem in life that you have being passing through am here to tell you that here is a great man call Dr odudu the great spell caster that bring back my lover in just 24hours i was so amaze and surprise i never beliver what my eyes saw it was like dream to me when i see my lover back to me that is when i knew that Dr odudu is a real magic man contact him on oduduspell@gmail.com or call him on his private number +2348051913076 is a man that surprise ME with his power, contact Dr odudu and tell him all your problem i assure you, you are going to be a happy person like me once you via oduduspell@gmail.com i have seen and his recommended for all problem Dr odudu is the solution. via oduduspell@gmail.com or call +2348051913076 francal from London

    ReplyDelete
  8. hello am Sandra from California i want to tell people on this site about Dr odudu how he bring back my lover back in just 24hour it was like dream in my eyes when i see my lover back in to my life and make me happy and make me feel real woman am saying all this today is the help of Dr odudu via oduduspell@gmail.com or call +2348051913076 is 100% sure and guarantee for kind of problem you may have in your home Dr odudu is the answer.
    email; oduduspell@gmail.com
    phone ;+2348051913076

    ReplyDelete
  9. what is your problem in life that you see all is over here i come to tell you the good news and powerful man call DR odudu that bring back my lover back in just 24hours i saw this man testimonies on internet that is when i contact him all that people are saying about Dr is real i have tested it and i found true and trust in him that is why am telling other that have not contacted this great man should do that faster if you want you problem to be solve via oduduspell@gmail.com or call +2348051913076, DR odudu is real GOD bless this man with great power to help the poor and the rich contact him no.
    email ; oduduspell@gmail.com
    phone number; +2348051913076
    sani from Australia

    ReplyDelete




  10. My name is Mariya wills I have been rejected by my husband after 10 years of marriage just because another woman and he left me and the kid to suffer. One day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address okosunspelltemple@gmail.com
    have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his email address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 3 days that i will have my husband back. I believed him because of his polite approach and sincerity and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster has the power to bring lovers back because i am now happy with my husband

    ReplyDelete

  11. Hello am sandra
    what can i say in this life again,how will i thank dr.vabo temple for the good job which he just did for me.i have been searching the net for long now for me to get who to help me get back my husband back but i have been scammed with a lot of people who claim they are spell casters,so i was tired of searching then one morning just have to go to the net and just look for once again and i found this man dr.vabo temple and i contacted him and he make a prayer to me through phone in the night and after the prayer he tells me what to do and i did it and immediately the thing was done he gave me assurance that my husband will start looking for me and pleading me for me to accept him back and i was kind of not sure and what make me amaze he said just 2days after this that is when he will come and as i am talking to you people now my husband came back to me just yesterday which make it complete 2days as he said and now i am very happy.you can contact dr.vabo temple through this email,spells.dr.vabo.odumathehiller@gmail.com and mobile number +2348076377455.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I was crushed when my lover of three years left to be with another woman. I
    cried and sobbed every day, until it got so bad that I reached out to the
    Internet for help.And i saw a testimony of a spell caster who help a girl
    called michelle and i said let me give it a try so i contact him for help
    and he cast a love spell for me which i use in getting my love back and now
    i am a happy woman.For what you have done for me,i will not stop to share
    your goodness to people out there for the good work you are doing.I hope
    God blesses you as much as you have help me to get my Love back,visit him
    on oriomonspiritualtemple@yahoo.com is the only answer to your problemS
    EMILIANO BABARAH_USA

    ReplyDelete
  13. Be careful here. Nobody can help you here or even suggest how you can get financial help. Any answer of a loan lender to your question, you MUST ignore, because they are SCAMS…real SCAMS…i was a victim of which i was ripped thousands of dollars…well thank God for a Christian sister who referred me to a loan organization formed by some Christian Women. it is called Christian women Trust-funds Cooperative Organization.(C.W.T.C.O)christainwomentrustloans@gmail.com They made my life a valuable one and gave it a meaning. When the sister gave me their contact, I contacted them. Then I requested for a loan with all the necessary evidence to prove that I actually needed a loan, they approved a loan of $60,000.00 USD and in 48 hours after meeting up to their necessary requirements, my loan was deposited in my bank account without collateral. Though i was very nervous with the loan organization at first due to my previous bad experiences, especially when the issue of me settling the insurance charges came up, I hold on to my faith due to the fact that my relative referred me, got it cleared,and as God should have it, little did I know that my financial shortcomings has come to a final HALT. If not for that quick referral from a christian sister to that genuine source ,I would have regretted my total life,because at that point in time i just divorced the father of my son, and my son (Kennett) was faced with a life and death situation. I was faced with his hospital bills and i was also faced with foreclosure at my apartment. Details of this GOD-SENT organization won’t be disclose for now for fear of impersonation ( because it has been discovered that some persons are not really in need of financial help, but they just want to collect money from this genuine christian loan organization). And it is because of this reason they don,t give out loan anyhow. You must be able to convince them very well, and provide good proofs to show that you really need a loan before they can approve it for you. Their charge is very affordable and reliable compare to many out there,their interest rates is just 2%,little documentation,and little credit check. As i have earlier said, for security reasons i can only provide their email address. Embrace this new initiative.Feel free to contact them via Email (christainwomentrustloans@gmail.com) as their loan officer/rep sir perry smith will attend to you and you will be free from scams and financial burdens

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  15. Warm Regards To The World,
    From Nort Jeje Loans.
    I the head of loan application Department in NORT JEJE LOAN INVESTMENT Provides both long and short term loan financing. We offer secure and confidential loans at a very low interest rate of 3%. We offer;Personal loans, Debt Consolidation Loan, Venture Capital, Business Loan, Corporate Loans, Educational Loan, Home Loan and Loans for any reason!We are the trusted alternative to bank financing, and our application process is simple and straightforward. Our loan ranges from $1,000.00 ( One Thousand dollars ) to $25,000,000.00 (Twenty Five Million dollars). Additional Info about this loan is that: We're fast becoming the private, discreet, and service oriented lending choice for general loans. We're the company to turn to when traditional lending sources fail. If you are interested do not hesitate to contact us with information’s below by Email:nortjeje@hotmail.com . 1. Your Full names: 2. Contact address: 3. Occupation: 4. Your Contact Telephone Numbers: 5. Monthly Income:6. Contact Email Address: 7. Loan Amount:8.Age:9.The classified sites you saw our advert.
    Warm Regards,
    Prof. Ahmad Jongi,
    Head, Loan Application Department,
    Nort Jeje Loan Investment,
    Email Adress:nortjeje@hotmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  16. My Name is TRACY, From New York,USA. I
    wish to share my testimonies with the
    general public about what this woman called
    Zzona has just done for me , this woman has
    just brought back my lost Ex husband,
    with her great spell, I was married to this
    man called Steven we were together for a
    long time and we love each other but when I
    was unable to give him a child after 2 years,he
    left me and told me he can’t continue
    anymore then I was now looking for ways
    to get him back until a friend of mine told
    me about this woman. My friend gave her email to me and asked me to contact her but I didn't want to cos I doubted at first but later reconsider cos it's so rear for a woman to be as powerful like she said. So I contacted her through this email (zzonaspellshrine@gmail.com) You won’t believe this when I contacted this
    Woman and told her my problems she cast the spell and my ex came back begging on his knees and asking me to forgive him. Not only that after a month I miss my monthly flow,when I went to my doctor,he confirm that I am pregnant so I told my self that I will testify to the whole wide world about the wonders of the powerful if I give birth successfully. I am so happy today cos I am a mother of a bouncing baby girl,thank you once again the great Zzona for what you have done for me, if you are out there passing through any of this problems
    listed below:
    1) If you want your ex back.
    (2) if you always have bad dreams.
    (3) You want to be promoted in your office.
    (4) You want women/men to run after you.
    (5) If you want a child.
    (6) You want to be rich.
    (7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be
    yours forever.
    (8) If you need financial assistance.
    (9) How you been scammed and you want
    to recover you lost money
    contact zzonaspellshrine@gmail.com
    (10)Cure of HIV and AIDS
    Call him on +2348035394535.

    ReplyDelete

  17. My Name is Mark David am from United States..I never believed in Spells
    or Magics until I met this special spell caster when i contact this temple
    oralshrine@gmail.com Execute some business..He is really powerful..Am a
    business man who deals on exporting of cars to different countries. my
    business was not going well with me.then i decided to discuss it with a
    friend of mine to lend me some money in other to push my business. but all
    he said to me was that he have no money that he can give to me. but he can
    only do me a favor, by introducing me to a spiritual temple which he saw on
    the internet. he told me that is own business as a fashion designer was
    more worst than that of mine. before he saw this great temple. all they ask
    him was that, how can they help him out, which he tell them all his
    problem. and after he told them all he wanted that was when they finally
    put and end to his problem. when he told me his own story i was surprise
    about that but i also take a step to this great oral temple at
    oralshrine@gmail.com . which i followed the procedure on what to do. and
    right now i find it very great with my business.what i also find in this
    great temple is that they can help you in any area of your life,

    ReplyDelete