Well I've mentioned a little (or rather a lot) about the problems I've had over the years as a result of my past, but I've not really covered the recent issues that lead me to the decision to write this blog and seek help.
I think it can really be pinned down to going to the library. Stupid thing really, but hear me out it does make a little sense. I'd been thinking about studying mental health, and was looking about for some research to do while I was waiting for a bus to arrive. I ended up reading a little book about caring for someone with an alcohol problem, with the thought in mind that I might be able to help or advise someone I know who is living with a parent suffering the effects of alcohol addiction. I looked around further in this area and by complete accident came across Breaking Free - Help for survivors of childhood sexual abuse by Carolyn Ainscough and Kay Toon. I highly reccommend reading this by the way. Anyway, as the library had switched to an automatic system for checking books in and out I was fairly confident about giving this one a read. I checked it out, popped it in my bag and went home.
Over the following week I read it cover to cover, one night I was up until 3am because I just couldn't stop reading. It brought up the old memories, old feelings, and gave me a new sense of clarity to my own mental state. I've been thinking about it fairly often since then, and went back to the library last week to check out another book, The Courage to Heal, which I've now started to work through as well. They have both given me a stronger resolve to seek professional help and work through my past rather than burying it in the back of my mind and pretend it's not there.
In the lead up to finding these books, my mental state had been deteriorating. I had been ecstatic since leaving my ex boyfriend, and barely taken aback at all by losing my job and my home. I moved happily away to a different town, started looking for a new job and felt overwhelmingly happy almost all the time. I thought nothing more of it than I was just learning to enjoy life again after so long being miserable. After a few months I had found my new boyfriend and couldn't imagine being happier, until I started suffering periods of depression again. It seems like it comes on at random, like there's no real trigger to it.
If I'm with my boyfriend, and we're out somewhere when I start feeling low, it has recently developed further down into feelings of panic. I don't want to make anyone around me feel bad just because I do, but I feel suddenly so low I can't stop myself crying, which only makes me more distressed because I can't tell my boyfriend why I'm upset when I don't even know what has caused it. He gets anxious because he feels like people will think he has upset me somehow, and he worries that he has and wouldn't want to do that, I feel worse for making him think like that. It all boils over into the feeling that I have to escape, to get away so that I can't make anyone else feel any worse. I can only really describe it as being most similar to a panic attack, and though I can calm myself down by deep breathing and sitting down or going outside or away from crowds, I still can't control the feelings. My mood has once again begun to randomly and uncontrollably switch from one extreme to the other with no obvious reason. My eating pattern is worse than ever and I am exhausted most of the time from this.
I realise that I cannot continue to hide from my problems, I have to face up to them and look them in the eye no matter how much it hurts, so as of next week I'll be sucking up the courage and going to see my GP to see what I can do. I don't know where it will lead, whether I'll be sent to counselling, or psychotherapy, or simply given pills to control myself. I don't know if I can trust the GP enough to tell him about the abuse but I would like to think if I can see another professional in time I will be able to talk openly about it. Another possibility I'm toying with is simply showing them this blog, and trying to write absolutely everything I possibly can here.
Whatever happens from here, dear reader, I know that I cannot turn back. I must force myself to deal with this no matter how hard it gets. I will learn how to take control of my own life, I will find the words to tell my boyfriend why I can't stop crying sometimes, and I will find the courage to make it out to the other side. Everything I go through, I will go through with you as I write it upon these anonymous pages, this simple anonymous outlet for the burden I've carried for far too many years. I hope that maybe someone else may be inspired to seek needed help, or at least comforted by the knowledge that none of us are alone.
I refuse to be his victim now. I am a survivor, it's time I lived up to that name.
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