I've had a lot of long term psychological issues as a result of the abuse I suffered as a child, some of which have proven very problematic in my life. These below are the ones I have found to have the biggest impact on me over the years.
Physical Strength
I'm overly physically competitive, and can't accept my own weakness and have become violent when told I am weak. I spent the whole of a summer in London when I was 17, travelling there to see a boyfriend at the time, but spending most of my days while he was at work going around the city with a friend. He was taller and stronger then me, but I always felt the need to try and beat him, and we spent many a sunny day in london fighting with each other. In the streets, in the parks, wherever we felt like we would go and try and beat the crap out of each other. We never really meant to hurt each other, and both enjoyed a good laugh, but the serious side of it was that I could not accept being weaker than anyone, to the point that I once painfully and potentially seriously injured my foot. I went to kick, but the top of my foot connected with his elbow instead. I found it difficult to walk for a few weeks but refused to see a doctor or let my family see that I was in pain for fear of questioning. I got a rush from the combat, the physical exertion, and the pain seemed like nothing compared to what I felt inside. Even since then, when there's something physically competitive, even a tickling playfight with my boyfriend I come dangerously close to taking it too far.
There was another time, with an ex boyfriend, and despite saying he forgave me he never let me forget that it happened. Funny thing is I don't actually remember the event, just him and other people telling me it had happened and that as I calmed from that state my memory faded while they were talking to me. I was upset, and he had called me weak, so apparently we got in a scuffle where I pinned him to the wall by his throat with a bit more pressure than was neccessary to make my point, then walked off punching his friend who was in my way. I returned apparently after hitting a wall in the school bathroom (I was still in 6th form at the time) with a knuckle bleeding from the impact. We then walked home, and I calmed down, and the first part I actually remember is being halfway down the road talking and not being able to remember what had happened in the 20minutes previous. He held that one incident against me for all the years I was with him.
Body Image
Another issue I've had is not being able to accept my body. There were some episodes when the memories first resurfaced where I became extremely distressed at home at night, and couldn't stand to see any part of my own bare skin, so dressed myseld head to toe including gloves before I could consider sleeping. Though not as extreme now I still have a severe dislike of my body, and feel myself repulsed by looking at any part of it. Whether it's my weight which nobody else can seem to see is obviously a problem, or just the scars I made for myself, or the stretchmarks from where I grew through puberty (on my hips, thighs, breasts and arms), I pick out every flaw whenever I see myself and honestly wonder how I ever managed to find a boyfriend.
Food
Eating is another prominent problem that right now is causing me more issues. Some days or weeks I find myself constantly eating, binging on sweet foods or snacking when I'm so full I can barely eat another bite. then other times I go through the day with nothing and don't even realise. Yesterday, for example, I realised at 3pm I'd only had a glass of milk in the morning and forced myself to make and eat pancakes, it kept me busy for a while I guess. Today I had 3 sausages and 2 toasted waffled at....about midday? I forced that down and haven't been bothered at all since apart from a pint of milk and some orange juice. I'd like to think I'd lose some weight sometime but it fluctuates up to a stone every week or so, anything I lose goes right back on when I inevitably binge again. I'd probably be anorexic if it wasn't for the damn food cravings those days.
Sex
I guess it's obvious someone who has been abused will have sexual problems, and I feel I've been from one end of the spectrum to the other. As a teenager I was obsessed with sex and found myeslf easily aroused, which produced confusing feelings of guilt and shame which I've now learnt are more natural for someone with negative childhood experiences. My few relationships at 16 were highly sexually charged and I found one of my boyfriends had far less interest in it than I did which became frustrating. I didn't feel the need to cheat on him but I found it difficult to understand how a man, who I'd believed were always interested in sex (particularly in teen years), would not want to do it at every available opportunity. I ended up in relationships doing things which I found physically and sexually uncomfortable, because I was so eager to please my partner, putting their wants and needs before my own.
To this day I still have problems sexually. My last boyfriend was partcularly....explicit with several fantasies and fetishes which I explored partly through my own desires and partly through my wish to please him. Unfortunately this has left me yet more damage by exploring feelings and arousals I feel a lot of guilt over because they are so close to the abusive experiences of my past. Now I am with a caring and in every way amazing man who I would like to be comfortable with and enjoy sexual experiences and fetishes but I can't bring myself to cope with anything other than basic sex.
I find male genitalia to be unattractive, and though I have bisexual urges I have never felt close enough to many women to make a relationship work, and still find myself attracted to men despite their more repulsive parts. In the bedroom this translates to difficulties looking at my partner naked, and can't even begin to consider the prospect of touching him there. As I have not yet been able to speak openly to my current boyfriend about my troubled past I'm worried it may cause difficulties between us in the long run. But, for now, he is sexually undemanding, and though we do have a fairly good sex life I don't feel pressured and I no longer feel the need to constantly have sex for the sake of it. My sexual appetite does suffer ups and downs but I'm not too worried by this now as I was when I was younger.
Fear of Men
Unfortunately I also have a longstanding fear of men. Not all men though, as I actually feel happier in the company of men because I get along witht hem better and have more in common with most then I do with most women, but I am intimidated easily by older men or particularly taller men. Luckily, I'm fairly tall anyway for a lady (5' 10" roughly) so if I put heels on there are few men actually taller than me, but I'm still uneasy. I feel I mistrust men's motives and often find myself wondering about them sexually which I find disturbing and unwelcome and I don't know why such thoughts cross my mind. I even distrust the male members of my family who I know should be safe and always have been and find this even more distressing when I think about the possibility of them abusing me as my brother did or considering they might think of me sexually. Socialising and dating have been difficult in this respect, as I've only been in very few relationships, all of which have been with younger men. I feel the most comfortable and safe with my current boyfriend, a year younger and an inch or so shorter than me. Maybe it doesn't seem like a big problem but maybe it led me towards making bad choices.
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There have been other effects, long lasting from the abuse and its impact on me as a person, but those above are probably the most profound, apart from the obvious depression and emotional difficulties mentioned previously of course.
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